Wednesday, December 2, 2009
attempts a normalcy...possible?
I've been making several attempts at creating a normal life lately. The new roommate, porn star Kylee Kross (she's a hottie, you can see her on burningangel.com), is a really good fit into our little family. On nights off, me, Nicole, Kylee and my boyfriend Zac have family movie nights. We've got the animals, who are like our children and so, in essence, everything should be great and comfortable and lovely. However, I've been experiencing an exorbitant amount of anxiety, especially when I think about leaving the house. I want to go out other than to go to work, but every time I do, it provokes anxiety in me and I'll make excuses not to leave. On the other hand, I feel that part of my problem is that I need to start going out and actually having fun. I do have the girls that I live with, who are great, and Zac who is wonderful and supportive but often times I feel an overwhelming sense of being very alone in this world. My thoughts can be so distorted some times. In addition to the anxiety and stomachaches, I have a hard time just doing normal every day things, including relating to the people around me. I'm wondering if there is something simple I can do to stop all of the constant feelings that something bad is going to happen. I've also been thinking a lot about my first six months of dancing. I was recently contacted by an NYU journalism student doing a paper on how blogging affects stereotypes. It really got me thinking about the fact that it took a total break down of my personality to do the job that I am doing. I would say I have a thicker skin now. However, sometimes I feel that I am seriously on guard when talking to people even outside the club and disconnected from myself and other people. I want to desperately to have real, honest fun as opposed to the manufactured bubbliness that I present at work. Any advice from other sex workers on how to decompress?
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5 so tell me what you REALLY think:
You should deal with your anxiety right away. The danger is that, untreated, it will get worse, and it may lead to major depression. If you can, consider taking baby steps in dealing with your fear. If you can't/don't want to go outside, go in the hall. Once that's okay, go on the porch . . .and so on. Hard aerobic workouts -- 30 mins at your max heart rate -- will blow the bad chemical mojo out of your system. Yoga, meditation, breathing excercizes, cutting out caffeine, and weed also help. Stay away from Xanax unless you have a prescription for it. If none of this works, find a therapist, one who knows Cognitive Behavior Therapy -- that is a practical method for treating OCD and anxiety issues that works for a lot of people and doesn't involve years of sessions talking about your father or whatever. The therapist should be able to prescribe you meds to get you over the hump, as well.
Good luck
I too worried when you mentioned the not going out because of anxiety. I am not in the sex worker industry, but I was one year ago in a place where I put on a everything is ok mentality and endured the negative people I had to serve. I left hating my self and my job. I hid in the house and was spiraling into depression. I resigned and then went over the edge just wanting to sleep and do nothing. Being around people just made me anxious. I did go to my Doc and I am on Lexapro, I feel better most days, but I still fight the negative stuff sometimes.
Not sure what you need to do, but you do need to address these feelings. They can build up over time and eat away at you. Take care and good luck.
If it is just needing to babystep out in the world, volunteer somewhere and be a part of that group of people.
hey just came along your blog while searching for other strippers with thoughts to share and care about.
i'm a really brand new stripper but i did notice that once i started dancing i would go out into the world feeling like i had to be as guarded and charming as i was in the club.
what was helpful for me was going to really safe beautiful places like parks, rivers, forests and finding my own inner calm and connection to the world and then think about bringing that into the club.
when i was in the club i would think about those place and people i loved and try to emanate that into all my conversations and what i was doing. it was like i was trying to bring people into their own sense of calm and connection (yes, in a strip club!).
maybe that sounds stupid but it facilitated a sense of connection and honesty with the people in the club in a way that made my work "real, honest fun" rather than "manufactured bubbliness".
thanks so much for sharing on here. i've read some of your back posts and they're great! i love that you love boners!
I don't have any great advice though Tim's sounds very solid, especially avoiding pot & caffeine and getting exercise.
I just wanted to say I'm thinking about you... I went through something similar for a long time and for me the answer was to quit drinking, retire for a while and have new experiences + years of therapy.
I don't know your answers but I do know they're out there and you will overcome this somehow someday. You're strong that way.
I grew up acting, so playing the role of Dixie has been easy for me.
It's tough when you feel so disconnected outside of the club. You'll have your good days and your bad days.
Remember that the club is a fantasy world. That's not who you really are. So don't let the club come home with you.
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