I can't seem to get things in order lately. My credit cards should be paid on time, since I have the money, but I can't seem to actually log onto thd websites to pay them. What the hell is up with that? Also, I've found it very hard to leave the bed or the couch. It pains me just to get up and go to the bank, work, etc. I guess I am having what one of my former psychiatrists would call a "depressive episode". When I am at work, I put on my smiley face and I go out there and I entertain and try to make people happy. But I am so far down in this rut I don't know how to pull myself out of it. I've seen and experienced so much disrespect and ignorance lately it's killing me. The state of the world drives a dagger into my heart every time I turn on the news. I don't get why people can't just be naturally good. Why we have to all hate eachother. I need to prioritize. I need to fix my credit rating because it should not be so low. I need more back massages. I need to not come home and find that I've had three books of check and 160 bucks stolen from my house and spend hours on the phone arguing with the bank trying to get them to close out the account. I need to do volunteer work on Mondays so I feel like I'm giving back.
I was scheduled to work at the scary club today and I just didn't show up. I know I should have called the owner and thanked him for giving me the opprotunity to work there, since I got the job without having to do an audition but I didn't want to deal with any drama. jeez.
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3 so tell me what you REALLY think:
I haven't commented before, but I've been reading your blog for a few months now, enjoying it when you post.
I'm sorry life is dragging you down so much, no matter how much you give, it's just feels like a drop in the bucket, but if you start focusing on yourself... then you feel horrible and selfish. But you can't do a lot of good in the world if you're wrecked yourself. Helping others when you're feeling down, yes, it's good you're helping, but it's also a distraction from your own internal woes.
It's good you didn't show up to the club, that you thought about yourself and what you could handle, and you took a choice. You chose -you-, -your- health, -your- happiness.
Good for you, for taking that step.
PF,
Thank you for your support, that from strangers actually feels best to me. Keep reading please, I'm getting things back on track.
The scary club's owner isn't really entitled to the consideration of a phone call from you, since they're he's not fulfilling his responsibility of providing a safe work environment for his dancers.
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