long and hard is the road to absolute obscurity

once upon a time, yours truly, jane doe, worked for an adult blog. she got to do fun things and be funny on camera and generally do shit and hang out with fun people. she also got paid to do all of this. jane also used to pose naked for "alt porn" websites, fucked girls on camera and partied with now big-name porno stars before they were stars and just williamsburg, brooklyn hipster/strippers working really hard to make their website work. jane was even featured a few times on fleshbot.com, though the last time they had even forgotten who the fuck she was and didn't even have her name tagged in the photo. the point is, jane used to have fun. jane used to do fun, interesting things with fun, interesting people. but somewhere jane fucked it up. jane accidentally said something she shouldn't have about someone (jane's kind of an asshole) and got fired from the adult blog and "scrubbed" from their website. jane also stopped getting asked to model when either she wasn't cool enough, stopped being a type (??????) or because she worked with a photographer who sullied her name so badly due to her past association with him, or because she didn't give a fuck that she let a friend take bad drunk party photos of her to post on his website.

my point is, i feel like at 25, my glory days are over. i go to church (unitarian universalist, still), sit around my house and mope, spin around a pole 7 hours a day, 6 days a week, date a wonderful, normal but hysterically funny guy and watch lots of movies. but i really want to have fun again. at my recent birthday party, i found myself in a room full of people feeling really alone, wondering "how did i get here?" like that fucking song. that's why i haven't been posting. i feel stagnant. i miss the fun of the photoshoots, the parties, the video shoots. i miss having fun collectively with a group of people. i miss leaving my house for things other than working at the club.

so i'm going to come out. my name is kate hate, and i am a former fun-haver:

there, i said it. now i can write this blog without feeling shrouded in so much mystery and feeling so unknown. feels great! and dad, or step-dad, sorry if you're reading this. i can't fake it any more. and thank you casey dancer, you gave me the strength to do this.